Still Affecting Me
by Jessikur
Summary: Even after all these years, seeing Rei still has an affect on Kai. A short musing on how seeing someone you love with someone else hurts, even if they aren't together. One sided Kai/Rei


A/n: This short little musing is for anyone who has seen a person they had been crushing on be with someone else.

Warnings: One sided Rei/Kai, and _really _slight Rei/Mariah. Honestly, you can completely ignore the R/M hints all you want and it won't make a difference at all (:

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

It had been three years since I'd last seen you, but you've changed so much. Anyone who didn't know you as well as I did wouldn't have recognized you, but I remembered that timid smile and bright amber eyes. You may have changed from your traditional garb, but so have I. We are more subdued creatures now, not needing to make such a statement in the public eye anymore.

You wore jeans and a plain button up shirt, so simple but yet you looked elegant. You always managed to look stunning, even in pajamas. Your new clothes clung to your body so perfectly I could practically imagine you naked, but that was not something I wanted to do in public. I almost rolled my eyes at my own thought; the effect you were having on me was close to ridiculous, but I wasn't going to try and stop it.

I knew it was you as soon as you walked through the door, your long hair in a loose braid flowing behind you, your curious eyes gazing around the hotel in wonder. You looked even more beautiful then my memories had ever served me. I could have stared at you standing there for centuries, but my longing to reach out for you was becoming unbearable. I stood from my spot in the lounge, hoping that you would see me.

But you look behind yourself instead, and then I see who you have accompanied. Her hair is as bright as ever, still in its normal ponytail adorned with a ribbon. A look of admiration was plastered on her face as she gazed at you, and you looked back at her with a soft smile, a smile that you had only given me before.

She took a hold of your arm, leaning into you ever so slightly, but you didn't seem to mind. It had always bothered you before, but today it seemed as though her clinging to your arm was a normalcy, something that you may have even liked.

The two of you were already discussing Beyblading, I could faintly hear. It made sense I suppose, considering we were at a convention, even though it seemed more like a reunion. I wouldn't have come if I had known you would have been with her the whole time, but then again, I could not have missed out on seeing you.

Your other old teammates were around, but you did not seem to care. You were so busy talking with her that the world around you didn't seem to exist, until she insisted on pulling you along into the convention hall. You looked so happy that it made my stomach turn.

I sat back down, not wanting to look at the scene anymore. Within seconds I was staring again, not being able to keep my gaze from your wandering form. I couldn't help but stare at your lithe physique as you glided along the hotel floor, but the pink blob of hair at your side was far too distracting to get a better look at you. I sighed and looked away again, but as soon as I looked away, I could feel your golden eyes flash to my direction, staring straight at the side of my face. I could practically feel you smiling at me without looking.

Stopping her seemed difficult, but you were determined, as always. You wandered over with her still attached to your arm, an excited look on your visage. I was excited as well; my heart was thumping practically as fast as the first time I had ever seen you.

"Kai!" you say when you reach me. I stand to greet you, but you merely extend your arm, holding out your hand for a friendly shake. "It's nice to see you again," you say as we shake.

The formality of our greeting is strange to me. It reminds me more of how a business man would great me instead of an old friend. I am not sure what I expected though; perhaps an attempted hug? Sadly, I would have even let it happen, even in this crowded lobby. I longed for more contact then a simple hand shake, but then again, I have longed for that for many years now.

I did not say anything in return, which seemed to disappoint him. I didn't care; I wanted him to feel the disappointment I have felt for years. But then, guilt strikes me because he looks saddened by my lack of conversation. I begin to open my mouth to agree with him, but he cuts me off.

"Well, Mariah and I are going to head in now. See you later," you say nonchalantly, taking the pink haired girl by her arm and leading her away. I watch you leave, the pit in my stomach only growing.

Your lack of effort is strange to me as well. In the past you had tried so hard to get me to open up and to trust you. And it had worked; I trusted you more than anyone else in my life. You were the one person who took the time to understand me, to stand up for me when I was being mistreated. I never needed this support, but the fact that you had given it to me was a great blessing that I have always been grateful for.

But in the end your friendship was never enough for me. I wanted you fully, to be able to touch you and feel you, to be able to hold you and kiss you. You never knew these things, but for the better. I know for sure now that you would have dropped our friendship in a heartbeat to get away from me. So I never took the chance.

I suppose that I will one day regret not telling you, but today I couldn't be happier that I kept that secret. Seeing you so happy with her was enough proof to keep my mouth shut.

It is strange how after all of this time you still affect me. By simply existing you completely change my mood, my views on the world, my judgment of others. I suddenly hated everyone except for you, when I knew deep down the only person I should hate is you. Or better yet, myself. But I did hate myself. I hated myself so much by letting myself fall into the trap of every thinking of you in anyway other than a friend.

I refuse to say I love you. It cannot be true, and it never will be. But I cannot deny that you have a place in my heart, and I will forever hate myself for that.

-0-0-0-0-

A/n: I know it's short, but it's just meant to be a musing anyways. Well, hope you enjoyed or at least could relate.


End file.
